The Life Lesson We’ve Already Learned
Already in this process, I’ve learned a lot. A lot about me, about Chris, about our marriage. And if there is one thing that I could share with people that I’ve learned so far it’s this: make your life what you want.
Our biggest mistake over the last 10-12 years was that we let life happen to us. For years, we sat passively by and let whatever happened to us determine what was next. It sounds crazy, but I don’t think we are unique in that. I'm now a big believer in asking one question: “Is the life that I have, the one that I want?” Once we consciously asked ourself that question, the answer was abundantly clear - no. That’s not to say that we’ve been miserably depressed or anything. We both really like our jobs, we have wonderful friends and love spending time with our families. But we would always talk about other things we wanted to do or what we wished we could do, but our life just wasn’t set up for it. What we came to realize is that we wanted similar things, but those things weren’t possible with the life we had built for ourselves.
On vacation in Mexico in 2018.
The best example I can give is this: about 2 years ago, I applied for a new job in San Diego. The job was sent out on a listserv I was a part of and I was intrigued by the job description. It was based in San Diego, a place that Chris has always wanted to live. I told Chris about it and he was excited. I decided to apply. I went through the application process, which took 2-3 months. I went through multiple interviews. In May, I got an email that I didn’t get the job. I was by myself at the time and I put my phone down and tried to judge my reaction. I realized I was equal parts disappointed and relieved.
The job was similar to what I do now, but more intense. It was a job that I would have dreamed about when I was in law school. It involved working with the best in my field, having incredible mentors, and traveling around the country. It was a fellowship that would have lasted 2 years and could have led to a permanent position.
In all the time leading up to putting in my application, and then throughout the application process, I never really stopped to ask myself whether I wanted this job. What I kept telling myself was that it was a great opportunity and it would be great for my career. I told myself that we would get to move to San Diego and it would be a change. But I ignored the part of myself that said it wasn’t the change I wanted. What I said in my head was, “Well, if I get this job, then we’ll move to San Diego and I’ll keep doing this work.” While I had thought a lot about leaving the criminal defense field, this job would take me much farther into it.
On vacation in California in 2016.
This is what I mean when I say that I let life happen to me. That opportunity fell in my lap and it looked great on paper so I applied. But I never thought about whether that was what I wanted out of life. I never asked if that opportunity would advance the kind of life we wanted. I let whether or not I got that job decide whether I would stay in that field, rather than if that was the kind of work I actually wanted to do.
Today, I’m grateful I didn’t get that job. The work would have been amazing, but it’s not what I want. It seems like such a simple concept, to ask yourself if your life is truly what you want, but not asking it can have a huge impact.