Where is Home?
I think Caroline described it right: Chaos. I once thought I knew what acute stress was, but this period of absolute chaos as we enter the final few weeks before listing our house and changing our lives forever has been another level of uncomfortable. It will all be worth it in the end, though. It is through change and stress that we grow.
Plus, we'll be living on Hawaii...
The other day there were painters in the house, stepping around my DIY home repairs, and landscapers outside, mowing around the ladder of the carpenter as he worked on fixing the broken windows. Poor Calli didn't know what to make of things. So much was going on that she retreated to my office, laying squarely facing the door. It was clear this was her last stand - if the door fell, all was lost and doom would be upon us. Shepherds have to know where everyone is and what they're doing, and too much was going on for her to keep track. She collapsed her patrol area down to the one room with the two of us in it, guarding against the chaos. It was touching in a totally heartbreaking way.
Progress is being made, though. Along with the repairs, we're clearing out the house. As you probably know, we've decided to get rid of almost all of our possessions: the house, cars - everything but the dogs and a small handful of things. I'm not going to lie, it has been hard for me. As we go room by room, I make a pile of all the "keeps", but the piles are too large. The longer they sit there, though, the more I return to the pile and remove stuff, and slowly the pile shrinks. It's a mental game I have to play with myself. Do I *really* need this? No. The only things I *need* are Caroline, Rigsbee and Calli. Mentally, everything else is want, and that is the connection that must be severed in my brain.
I have found, though, as the piles shrink I feel better. I don't miss things that I agonized over tossing, and there's a freedom in the empty space. My desk is clear. Rooms and hallways and pantry are clear. I kind of like having just a few "pantry" items stored in a cabinet rather than a whole, albeit small, room. Things are close at hand and easier to see and sort. Why did I want all the *stuff*!? Having less makes each item more valuable to me.
Even so, I *still* fight the urge to "get stuff". We're moving in mere weeks, and I caught myself looking at Amazon for stuff I absolutely do not need. I've conflated the possession of things with success. Do I have a big house filled with stuff? SUCCESS! But I don't *want* any of these things, really. I've spent money because I can. Check that - I've *wasted* money because I can. How much more travel could we have done if we had not bought all the things? How much more could we have donated to good causes? How much less stress would we have had, especially earlier in life, without the debt that hung over our heads?
But this is not a sad story. Caroline, Rigsbee, Calli and I are embarking on a new adventure, and all we need are each other.
It's ok, you can roll your eyes. I recognize how that sounded.
It's true, though. And when we get to Hawaii, never having lived or even traveled there before, we will do so free of the weight of stuff both physical and the debt they incurred. We will walk out that first morning ...after the mandatory fourteen day quarantine... we will walk out onto a beach somewhere and look at the waves and I will say to myself "This is home."
Not because I have a house or stuff, but because Caroline and Rigsbee and Calli are with me.
Feature image Photo by James Cheung on Unsplash
